YOU KNOW THIS IS MY VERY FIRST TIME!

IS IT JUST ME OR ARE DIFFERENT POSTIONS OVERRATED?

Hey everyone!  I am the new guy on the block, Big Mark (that’s what they call me!) and I think this is a rant disguised as a question.  Being a subscriber to one of the many monthly magazines that are aimed at the male demographic that aspires to have Tyson Beckford abs, Bill Gates money, Johnny Depp’s eclectic fashion sense, I am entitled to receive e-mail tips and extras with my subscription.  Recently, I received an e-mail from the magazine’s on-line unit with the subject line – “Her Favorite Sex Positions”.  Needless to say THAT caught my attention and I chose not to regulate that one to the trash bin!

Opening the e-mail, I find a guide to 35 of ‘her’ favorite sex position… and two things immediately came (see what I did there!) to mind.  1) Been there… done that… in fact, I wrote the script!  Well, not really but most of that stuff that was illustrated were not new and different to me.  Were I to find myself ‘back in the saddle’ and having sex regularly, I’d insist on some of the positions shown like ‘The Elevator’ (which I will describe in a moment). And that directly leads me to my second observation, that all they did was ‘rebrand’ positions and situations that I already could come up with, just did not have a clever name, like ‘The Elevator’.  I mean, I did not know that is what I should call, “Get on your knees as I stand in front of you and give me a blow job.”  Heck, I did not know that it even needed a name!

Other positions like ‘The Swiss Ball Blitz” not only did not look exotic but potentially harmful!  I mean, the symmetry of the drawings complemented each other.  Their figures, hers, lithe and light, and his, lean and strong, could balance themselves on a Swiss ball, with her ‘reverse cowgirl’ as he sits on the ball.  But I am not lean and I am fond of full-figured, Reuben-esque even, women.  Can you envision me and a woman who may even have me by a few pounds trying that?  Every time I close my eyes and try to see it, I also see an awkward scene in a hospital emergency room and a sense of lifetime regret when I do!

That is why I asked if positions are overrated.  Look, if I want to get at my woman in the bathroom, then do I need to ask her if she’d like to try ‘the restroom attendant’?  Or do I need to think to myself, “Hmm, I wonder if she’d like the ‘couch surfer’” if I want to bend her over the arm of the sofa or something.

Thinking back to when my ex-wife and I were dating, the topic of what kind of sex we would expect with each other came up.  She asked me about blow jobs and she told me about her distaste for going down on men.  “Do you think you could marry someone who wouldn’t give you head?”, she asked sweetly.  I looked at her, thinking to myself, “how did she end up having a baby (don’t mess with my young man logic!) with not ever going down on a brother?”

Straightening myself, I replied that “Though I can see myself banging out someone regularly, I could NOT imagine marrying someone who did not go down on me.”  I could see her eyes widen as I spoke.  “Look,” I continued, “for me that is a normal part of my sex life.  Why would I deny myself something that I enjoy and would prolly otherwise search for in another relationship by marrying someone who didn’t give me head?”  Needless to say, I would begin to receive what still rates as THE WORST blow jobs ever for the length of our relationship from her!!

The point of that story was that I don’t see why if you are in a monogamous, committed relationship, you would deny your partner the opportunity to explore sexually with you, especially if no one has to get ‘hurt’ doing something?  As far as the positions go… I mean, seriously, there are some hybrid ‘karma-sutra’ positions that I could not imagine myself ever even wishing my body was flexible enough for, but for most sexual explorations,  I really can’t see why it is hard for some people to ‘relax their minds and let their conscious go free’ in the bedroom?  Why do some people need these so-called ‘hints’ and have to have someone else to them what positions bring her (and her partner) the most sexual pleasure?

Finally, the meme that only ‘white girls do that freaky stuff’… STOP!!  Take one look at Nicky Menaj and tell me you don’t think she has had a facial splash off of her cheeks?  There is a reason that I used the phrase, “I don’t see why…” when speaking of some folks reluctance to ‘please their parnter’… that is because I know a LOT of black women who have had their ‘chins checked’, if you know what I mean!

That is what makes the whole ‘eww, that dirty’ game that some women run laughable to a brother like me. But since I am running out of gas, I am going to close for now and I am sure I will be back with more nonsense later!