Grandma was right

I want to learn from my 2009 mistakes. I wanna make better decisions. I realize I need to employ those lessons Grandma taught me as a child. If I had heeded her Mother Wit more often, I would have saved myself a lot of time, trouble and money. Grandma was right...about everything.

1. Plan for the best and be prepared for the worst. Get showered, shaved and perfumed for a night of fucking, and have your cocktail, music and fresh batteries on hand in case you have to use your ever-ready lover.
   


2. Everything has a place and a place for everything. Put your shit up when you're finished with it. Your parents, children, friends, neighbors, deliverymen and repairmen don't wanna see your dildos, whips, clit pumps, chains, handcuffs, butt plugs, lubricants, blow-up dolls, fucking machines and used condoms.
   


3. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. If s/he can't fuck, chews your pussy, bites your dick or swallows your lips when kissing, appreciate his/her efforts, then get them out of your place and don't invite him back.
   


4. Keep your skirt tail down and panties pulled up. You ain't gotta fuck every dick that crosses in front of or behind you. Do some kegels and give your pussy a rest.
   


5. Haste makes waste. Don't be so quick to drop your panties or unzip your shit. At least get a dinner or movie first.
   


6. Always wear clean underwear. You never know who is gonna see them.
   


7. Think before you speak. Calling out the wrong name can be easily avoided by applying this one tidbit.
   


8. If you lay down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas. You knew s/he was an ass when y'all met, is still an ass and will always be an ass, and you wonder why you're friends don't invite y'all to hang with them anymore.
   


9. All that glitters isn't gold. I ain't seen, fucked, sucked, massaged, licked, kissed a gold dipped one yet. As a BFF put it, "the best dick (pussy) you've ever had is the one you currently gettin'."
   


10. A penny saved is a penny earned. There are two things I don't buy, dick and water...I can get 'em free any day of the week and twice on Sundays.
    

And yes, we know Grandma didn't invent these sayings; however, she repeated them to us all the damn time.